Sunday, August 07, 2005

Fate calling--or just a dream?

Things have just been a bit odd since the beginning of the month and I couldn't quite put my finger on it until a sudden unnaturally strong storm hit us Thursday evening... it was time for Lammas. (That's a pagan sabbat, for those who don't know.) The first of August had come and gone with a surprise visit from the in-laws before they headed up to Idaho for a vacation, gremlins in the system at work, and a general busyness that comes with being a parent.

Last night would have been the seventh night by my count since Lammas and the supernatural hit home very hard last night. I still cannot say for sure if it was just a figment of my imagination, possibly a waking dream trying to send me a message, or if was a terrifying glimpse of reality over which I was powerless but only to watch. Whatever it may have been, it was so starkly vivid and filled with emotion that I cannot stop thinking about it this morning.

So I lay on my couch after 10PM last night in the darkness with some hemi-sync soundtracks playing softly. Relaxed, I tried to reach out, either with astral projection or by having an out-of-body experience, but with no success. I felt locked into my body, with even the simplest movements of my astral self being impossible. I finally found success when I realized for the first time that my astral body has wings, much like my dreamscape form does. Unfortunately, when I felt the "lock" on my non-corporeal body was finally removed, my neighbors downstairs went into a viciously loud fight that included slamming doors and screaming. Frustratingly, I was snapped back into full physical conciousness again and had to wait a little over an hour for the whole disturbance downstairs to quiet down and resolve itself.

I was tired and it was almost 11:30PM and was going to just go to sleep, but something deep down told me that I needed to try again. Making my bed up, I turned the lights back down and the music back up. Having already figured out the key to astral movement earlier, I tried wiggling my wings again to get things started. Honestly, I can't remember anything from here until I felt that familiar place. It was warm and dimly lit, but I couldn't figure out where exactly this place was, only that it was familiar.

I look down and I see an arm resting wrist-up on the arm of a recliner. I see the opposite hand reaching towards the elbow joint and I realize there is a needle in the hand. I can now feel the thoughts rushing through my head, thoughts of chaos and confusion and sadness, possibly disappointment. Everyone thinks in their own unique ways and I could make little sense out of the thoughts I was receiving, only interpret the raw emotions behind them. I tried to move. Frozen, I was forced to watch as the tip of the needle broke skin--obviously not the first time from the look of it--and slid into the vein near the bend of the arm. The thoughts suddenly scrambled and surged with a single word underlying the whole flurry: heroin.

I believe I now know what a junkie feels like when they take a hit. The intense rush was more than I have ever felt in my life and the sudden feelings caused me to begin the snap back into my physical body again. As I pulled out of the body I temporarily co-inhabited, time seemed to slow and I could look around for a moment as I was pulled upward. I looked upon the den of one of my best friends back in Texas. I heard the sound of his mother's voice as she came into the room and shrieked in terror. The last feelings I felt before returning was that of finality, as if the dose of substance in the needle was meant to be a fatal overdose, very possibly it was intentional.

I opened my eyes and awoke with a bad headache and with my arm hurting. The experience seemed so realistic, but looking back at it, I have my doubts as to whether it really happened or if it was merely a dream. I was wide awake and hungry, so I had a snack before going to sleep for the night. I still can't shake the feelings or images I saw....

I'll continue with my thoughts and analysis later. I have to go to work now....


At 8/13/2005 9:42 AM, Blogger CrimsonStar said...

oh my friend....I've never had an experiance that strong before but i do know what you are talking about.
Usually people come to me but it's tough to deal with some of the things that come that strongly.
I hope you are feeling a bit better and have figured out if it was real or a dream.


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